9 Worst English Songs Of 2023
From collabs that went amuck to collabs that had us saying what the actual f*ck
2023 gave us some amazing singles, awesome comebacks, and out-of-this-world collabs, and then gave us this heap of garbage. From collabs that went amuck to collabs that had us saying what the actual f*ck, this was probably the easiest list to compile but the hardest to narrow down to just nine tracks.
Honorable (dis)mention must go to Drake, who gave us such idiotic singles as “Search & Rescue” and “Slime You Out” with SZA that you really wonder where that talented rapper go. Also, I’m not going to include the slew of right-wing political nonsense that was put out, with, of course, the worst of the lot being Lara Trump’s non-authorized Tom Petty’s estate cover of his classic “I Won’t Back Down”.
So without further ado, here are the nine worst songs of 2023.
BONGOS – Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion
Okay, after giving us the instant classic “WAP,” Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion proved that the second time’s not a charm. The irritating loop of “bong” going on throughout the track takes away completely from the otherwise decent rhymes of both rappers. But have no mistake, this was a cash cow gone wrong. Both artists are phoning it in big time, and it shows. I’m so thrilled the world didn’t eat this shit up. “Bongos” is as bland as they come.
ALONE – Kim Petras, Nicki Minaj
Just how many artists need to sample Alice Deejay’s “Better Off Alone” for it to no longer be used? Kim Petras started the year off on such a strong note after the success of her collaboration with Sam Smith for their Grammy-winning smash “Unholy.” So to see the star move from that hit to this absolutely derivative piece of junk was such a disappointment. Throw in a completely unnecessary Nicki Minaj there, and you have “Alone”, easily one of the worst songs of the year to use a 90’s dance hit.
BABY DON’T HURT ME – David Guetta, Anne-Marie, Coi Leray
Speaking of 90’s dance hits, “Baby Don’t Hurt Me” by the I-literally-have-no-creativity-juice-left David Guetta with Anne-Marie and Coi Leray might take the cake for the worst use of a 90’s classic. I should hand it to Guetta for featuring these two women, who have parlayed sampling older tracks into some of their biggest hits, respectively. Who samples Haddaway’s iconic smash “What Is Love” and injects the track with even more benign lyrics? The original, at least vocally, had an emotional punch much before it became permanently interconnected with “Saturday Night Live.” This is just so lazy. Guetta should have just remixed the original rather than give us this dull drivel.
HANDS ON ME – Meghan Trainor, Jason Derulo
What’s the worst list without a single featuring Jason Derulo? The artist actually almost missed out on the chart this year, but then this track with Meghan Trainor came out, and then the even more moronic music video featuring Paris Hilton dropped, and I just couldn’t take it. These two TikTok stars (I’m going to call them that because they lost their artistry card years ago, I feel) came together to butcher Ben E. King’s forever classic “Stand By Me” into this total rubbish “Hands On Me”. This makes the “Dildara” song from “Ra.One” that also lifted from the original feel like a classic (A note to T-Series, Vishal & Shekhar and everyone behind that song, please update the credits on streaming sites – it’s really sad to not see the names of Ben E. King, Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller there. (We need to make sure audiences know the original).
WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE – Fall Out Boy
Jumping from awful samples to just totally WTF covers – Fall Out Boy came back for this shit? “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by Billy Joel is a blip in the Piano Man’s discography. While it worked as a novelty back in the late 1980s, this updated version with lyrics meant to update the track just made no sense. The worst part about the track was the idiotic decision the band made to not have the occurrences appear in chronological historical order. I can’t imagine any history teacher in the world using this insipid cover version!
VULGAR – Sam Smith, Madonna
When Madonna introduced Sam Smith at the Grammys at the beginning of the year, little did we know that would result in the creation of “Vulgar”, a rather self-indulgent piece of trash that lacks a complete soul and is totally out of Smith’s style and range. Madonna manages to keep the song (if you can call it that) entertaining, ensuring at least some spins late at night at gay clubs. Thankfully, Madonna released “Popular” with The Weeknd, almost at the same time helping this track fade away while the gays latched onto “Padam Padam” by Kylie Minogue, all but killing the chances of this track to become THE pride song choice of 2023.
MIND YOUR BUSINESS – will.i.am, Britney Spears
I can’t tell if will.i.am was genuinely being serious with this, if this was an outtake or maybe some lazy AI but “Mind Your Business” is dumb even for will.i.am standards. How the actual f*ck radio stations even opted to entertain the idea of playing this song is wild to me. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Black Eyed Peas rapper is better off judging reality shows, while the former pop star is better off selling books.
K-POP – Travis Scott, Bad Bunny, The Weeknd
How are you going to have three of the biggest artists in the world on the same record and create this underwhelming and dare I say pedestrian single? “K-Pop” (the “K” stands for ketamine) was just so meh. Hard to believe Bad Bunny and The Weeknd said yes to Travis Scott, as the track doesn’t even have a half-enticing beat to it. The best part of the track is the lack of Scott’s presence; he’s barely there, proving that he’s just way overrated these days.
TRY THAT IN A SMALL TOWN – Jason Aldean
I’m only including “Try That In A Small Town” by Jason Aldean because, in his words, this wasn’t meant to be a “political” song. I call bullshit on that, or else with those lyrics and that music video, he’s got to be blind and deaf not to know the stir he was about to cause. I actually don’t even care about the lyrics or the imagery; it’s just a bad song, period. I’m tired of tracks that have literally nothing musically going for them hitting #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 just because of controversy. Think about songs that caused a stir back in the day, from Billie Holiday’s “Strange Fruit” to Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical,” Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” to Nine Inch Nail’s “Closer”—they were all actually good songs. This is not. Aldean wanted to feel relevant, but the truth is, music history will now put an asterisk next to his name and say “right-wing ridiculous.”
